Written By, Jenna Campbell
Earlier this month a reader wrote in for advice. She is 20 years old and said she is on the right track to figuring out who she is, but her best friend is making it difficult to move along.
Here is what the reader wrote:
It is already hard enough just being me. I am 20 years old and on the right track to figuring out who I am. My best friend said to me the other day that I have changed and things are not the way they used to be. She said I seem so busy. She said that I take forever to return her calls. I haven’t done anything mean to my friend. I am just busy with school and work.
I honestly love my friend and she is still my best friend. I told her this, but I don’t think she believes that I am genuinely busy with school and work. I am into new things too and when I ask if she wants to go try new things she says no. How do I make her believe that I am still me and that I am truly busy with school and work? I am the same but I am growing up. How do I stay confident in who I am and still love her as my best friend?
The reader is experiencing a situation that many young women experience in their beginning years of college. The reader said she is comfortable with who she is becoming as she is growing and changing and feels the way her best friend is acting is holding her back from feeling confident about the woman she is becoming.
In situations like the one the reader described, these two friends are living different lives, so being on the same page about things and understanding where each other are coming from is difficult. It seems the reader has found her place in college and has become busy with school and work, while her best friend is living a different life.
It is likely that the reader’s best friend is not trying to hold her back from becoming the person she wants to become. What is much more likely is that the reader’s best friend feels that she is being left behind. In fear of losing the reader as a best friend, this insecurity is causing her to hold on tighter, causing the reader to grow frustrated as she tries to keep up with her busy life while also keeping her best friend happy.
So how can the reader remain confident in who she is and keep her best friend happy?
The important thing to remember is that everyone changes and grows up over time, especially during the college years. As girls grow into teens and then into women, it is typical to experience situations like the one the reader is facing.
Changing and growing up is a part of life and these experiences should be positive. But while it is healthy to change overtime, it can also be difficult. The difficulty that comes along with change is when close friends change at different times and in different ways, causing friends to begin to go in different directions.
Just as people change over time, so do friendships. While some survive over time, and some even grow into something even more special, others fade out.
Maintaining a friendship over time requires effort, understanding, and trust from both friends. Both friends need to be willing to put in the effort to make it work, both friends need to be understanding of each other’s obligations and needs, and both friends need to trust that if their relationship is meant to be, it will last under whatever circumstances it may face.
Show your friend that you care in the ways that matter, and keep in mind that the term “best friend” shouldn’t have any boundaries or set rules. A “best friend” shouldn’t be a person you feel obligated to call or obligated to spend a certain amount of time with. So that you’re constantly saying, ‘no’ to your friend to spend time with her because you are busy, an idea is to have a set meeting with you friend, for example, every two weeks on a Sunday. This way you both can stay in each others lives, and an effort is made by the both of you to keep a strong friendship.
The best friendships are the relationships that remain strong over time no matter what the situation and no matter how much each person in the relationship changes. Focus on becoming the best person you can be and know that the friends that are meant to be in your life forever will be – they will understand who you are and you will understand who they are.
